Islamic Manners (4): Good Treatment of Parents (Birr al-Wâlidayn)

by Abu Rumaysah

Allâh, Exalted is He says,
"Your Lord has decreed that you should worship none save Him, and that you should show kindness to your parents. Whether one or both of them reach old age with you, do not say 'Uff' to them out of irritation and do not be harsh with them but speak to them with gentleness and generosity. Take them under your wing, out of mercy, with due humility and say: 'Lord, show mercy to them as they did in looking after me when I was small.'"

Disobedience to parents is to oppose them in their desires and objectives that are permissible, likewise to be good to them is to obey them in their permissible goals and objectives. Therefore if one of them, or both of them, order their child with something, it is obligatory upon him to obey them so long as that order contains nothing that would incur disobedience of Allâh. This obligation holds true even if what they are asking for is something permissible or recommended in and of itself. ...The parents do not have to be Muslims in order to show them good treatment, rather good treatment should be shown to non-Muslim parents as well provided a pact remains with them. Allâh, Exalted is He says,

"Allâh does not forbid you from being good to those who have not fought you in the religion or driven you from their homes, or from being just towards them."

The state of old age has been specifically mentioned because it is the state in which they require the child's good treatment most because they have been overcome with weakness and frailty. As such the child is required to tend to their needs and take care of them more than at any other time, and they become a burden upon him. But he is required to look after them in their old age just as they looked after him when he was a child. This state is also mentioned because by nature if a person lives a long time, he easily becomes annoyed and irritated; as such, in the face of this, the child could become angry and show this. The least sign of anger he can show is the sharp breath of irritation. So the son has been specifically ordered in this situation to counter these emotions by speaking to them with gentleness and generosity. [1]

Good treatment of parents is the way of the Prophets, Allâh mentions the words of `Isâ when he was recounting the favours bestowed him,

"He has made me blessed wherever I am…and to show devotion to my mother. He has not made me insolent or arrogant."

About Yaĥyâ, He said,

"We gave him judgment while still a child, and tenderness and purity from Us – he had taqwâ - and devotion to his parents – he was not insolent or disobedient."

Some of the scholars said in commentary to these two verses that from the recompense of disobedience and bad treatment of parents is that Allâh will make that person insolent, disobedient, and arrogant. This is because the recompense is of the same type as the action, and one of the greatest forms of insolence and arrogance is to be rude to ones parents after they spent year after year bringing up that child. [2]

Allâh, Exalted is He says,

"We have instructed man concerning his parents. Bearing him caused his mother great weakness and the period of his weaning was two years: 'Give thanks to Me and to your parents. I am your final destination. But if they try to make you associate something with Me about which you have no knowledge, do not obey them. Keep company with them correctly and courteously in this world but follow the way of him who turns to Me….'"

There are a number of aĥâdîth stressing the importance of birr al-wâlidayn:

1. Muslim records on the authority of ibn Mas`ûd that he asked the Messenger of Allâh (SAW), 'Which deeds are best?' He replied, "Prayer at its times." He asked, 'Then which?' He replied, "Good treatment to parents." He asked, 'Then which?' He replied, "Jihâd in the Way of Allâh."

This ĥadîth is clear in showing the status of good treatment to parents. However, there are a number of aĥâdîth in which the Prophet (SAW) was asked similar questions, but gave different answers such as: "Faith in Allâh…Jihâd…Ĥajj"; "Faith in Allâh and Jihâd" ; "Faith in Allâh…Good treatment to parents…Jihâd” ; "Feeding [the poor]… giving the salâm to those who you know and don’t know"; "The one from whose hand the other Muslims are safe" ; "The best of you are those who learn the Qur`ân and teach it" and so on.

The scholars have differed concerning the reconciliation of these aĥâdîth. al-Imâm al-Ĥalîmî ash-Shâfi`î quotes his shaykh, al-Qaffâl as mentioning two reconciliations for this:

a) The difference in answers came at different times and situations and were directed to different people. It is possible that one say, 'The best thing is this' but not mean the best thing in every situation and for every person.

b) It is possible that the meaning is 'From the best of deeds is so-and-so' and the 'From the' has been omitted, just as one says 'Such-and-such a person is the most intelligent of people,' meaning from the most intelligent of people.

So according to this second opinion all the deeds mentioned are from the best of deeds, and the specific virtue of each deed varies according to its specific evidences, and in accordance to differing situations and times. [3]

Imâm Abu-l-`Abbâs al-Qurţubî said,

'There is no contradiction between these aĥâdîth because he (SAW) gave different answers to different people taking into account their circumstances; he would answer each person questions in accordance to what was best for him. Hence whoever was able to go on Jihâd and desirous for it, Jihâd in his case would be better for him than prayer and other deeds. However a person could be suitable for fighting Jihâd but his parents could be in need of his supporting and looking after them, hence for such a person, good treatment of his parents would be better for him than Jihâd. It is reported that a man sought permission from the Prophet (SAW) to fight Jihâd and he asked him, "Are your parents alive?" When he replied in the affirmative he (SAW) said, "Then your Jihâd lies with them" [4] It is possible that in some circumstances Jihâd be better than all other deeds such as when the enemy launches against and conquers the Muslims, such as has happened in these times. Anyone who has the least amount of insight will know that Jihâd in these times is from the most stressed obligations and best of deeds due to what the Muslims are facing of being overcome by the enemy and their many victories in the east and west. The point of this discussion is that the virtues mentioned in these aĥâdîth are based around differing circumstances and people, and this is not a far-fetched understanding.' [5]

2. Muslim records on the authority of Abû Bakrah that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) said,

"Shall I not inform you of the major sins? (He said this three times) To associate partners with Allâh, to disobey one's parents, and to give false testimony."

He was reclining and sat up straight and kept repeating this over and over again until we thought: if only he would be quiet.

The Prophet (SAW) sat up straight in order to stress the importance of what he was saying. As for their hoping that he would be quiet, the reason for this was their desire that the Prophet (SAW) go easy on himself and their dislike of seeing something that would disturb him and anger him. [6]

3. at-Tirmidhî records on the authority of ibn `Umar (RAA) that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) said,

"Allâh is pleased when the parents are pleased and Allâh is angry when the parents are angry."

Ibn `Abbâs mentions,

'Any Muslim whose father and mother are Muslims and he awakes every morning with the intention of doing good to them, Allâh will open two doors for him – i.e. of Paradise. If only one parent is alive, only one door will be opened. If he angers one of them, Allâh will not be pleased with that person until his parent is pleased with him, even if they are unjust to him.' [7]

4. Muslim records on the authority of `Abdullâh bin `Amr that the Prophet (SAW) said, "One of the major sins is cursing parents." When asked how someone could curse his parents, he replied, "By one cursing another's father, who in turn, curses his father; then he curses his mother and the other returns this by cursing his mother."

5. Muslim records on the authority of Abû Hurayrah that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) was asked as to who was most deserving of his good companionship. He replied, "Your mother." He was asked, 'Then who?' and he replied, "Your mother." He was asked, 'Then who?' and he replied, "Your mother." He was asked a fourth time, 'Then who?' he replied, "Your father."

It is narrated that a man from Yemen performed ţawâf around the Ka`bah carrying his mother on his back and reciting,

 
I am her lowly riding beast
Where it would have shied away, I will not


Afterwards he came to ibn `Umar and asked him, 'Do you think I have repaid her?' He replied, 'No, not even one moan that escaped her [when giving birth to you].' [8]

6. Abû Dâwûd records on the authority of ibn Shu`ayb; from his father; from his grandfather that a man came to the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) and said, 'Messenger of Allâh, I have wealth and children and my father takes and gives from it.' He said, "You and your property belong to your father. Your children are from the best of your earnings so eat from the earnings of your children."

Ones father is the means by which one came into existence, and ones being in existence is the cause that leads one to acquiring wealth. Hence the father has a greater right to the wealth of the son than he does himself: if he is in need of it, he has the right to take from it whatever he needs. The meaning of the ĥadîth is not that the son's wealth becomes totally permissible for the father such that he can take from it as and when he wills, without having any need for it. [9]Indeed none of the legal jurists understood this ĥadîth in this latter sense. [10]

7. an-Nasâ´î records on the authority of Mu`âwiyah bin Jâhima that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) said, "Serve your mother for Paradise lies under her feet." The version of at-Ţâbarânî has, "Serve your parents for Paradise lies under their feet."

Meaning that your portion of Paradise can only be attained through the pleasure of your mother, so much so that it would seem that that portion belongs to her and it is as if she is standing on it such that the only way you can acquire it is through her. [11]

8. Aĥmad records on the authority of Anas bin Mâlik that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) said, "Whoever wishes to have his life-span increased, let him be dutiful to his parents and join the ties of kinship."

9. Abû Dâwûd records on the authority of Abû Hurayrah that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) said,

"There is no doubt that three types of supplications will be answered: the supplication of the oppressed; the supplication of the traveller; and the supplication of the parents for their child."

10. Abû Dâwûd records on the authority of Abû Usayd that a man asked the Prophet (SAW), 'Messenger of Allâh, can I do any good for my parents after they have died?' He replied, "Yes, four things: supplication for them; fulfilling their obligations; honouring their friends; and maintaining the family ties that would not exist but for them."

Muslim records that a Bedouin Arab who used to a friend to `Umar passed by ibn `Umar and ibn `Umar made him ride the donkey he was riding, and he removed his turban and gave it to him. One of those with him said, 'May Allâh correct you! They are just Bedouins, something paltry would have made them happy!' He replied, 'The Prophet (SAW) said, "The best of good deeds is for one to do good to those who were loved by his father."'

11. ibn Ĥibbân records on the authority of Mâlik bin al-Ĥuwayrith that the Messenger of Allâh (SAW) ascended the minbar and said Amîn each time he ascended a step, in total three times. Then he said,

"Jibrîl (AS) came to me and said, 'Muĥammad, whoever lives to see the month of Ramadân without being forgiven, may Allâh distance him!' I said, 'Amîn.' Then he said, 'Muĥammad, Whoever lives to see his parents, or one of them, and does not treat them well, and as such enters the Fire, may Allâh distance him!' I said, 'Amîn'. Then he said, 'Muĥammad, in whoever's presence you are mentioned and he does not invoke peace and blessings upon you, may Allâh distance him! Say: Amîn.' I said, 'Amîn'."

1 Qurţubî [10/156+], with some summary.
2 Muĥammad Mukhtâr ash-Shanqîţî, Sharĥ Kitâb at-Tawĥîd [cassette]
3 an-Nawawî, Sharĥ Ŝaĥîĥ Muslim [2/67] with some summary.
4 Bukhârî and Muslim
5 al-Qurţubî, al-Mufhim Sharĥ Ŝaĥîĥ Muslim [1/276]
6 an-Nawawî [1/76]
7 Bukhârî, Adab al-Mufrad [#7]
8 Bukhârî [#11]
9 al-Munâwî, Fayd al-Qadîr [3/64 #2712]
10 al-Khaţţâbî, Ma`âlim as-Sunan [3/141 #980]
11 as-Sindî, Sharĥ Sunan an-Nasâ´î [#3053]